STREAM OF CONSCIOUSNESS . . .
Today has probably been one of the toughest in our almost 2 years in the dorm . . . this post is going to stink. Actually for the past 2+ months I've been sensing the same thing through different conversations with the guys . . . life as a high schooler stinks! I think back to when I was in high school and remember all of the questions: Who am I really friends with? Where do I fit? Why does everyone else seem normal? Why doesn't that girl like me? Why does that girl like me, what is she thinking? . . . .etc. And kids at BFA have those same questions, BUT THEY ARE LIVING THOUSANDS OF MILES FROM HOME WITH THEM. Living with normal adolescent "stuff" is hard enough, but at least at the end of the day I went home to my parents and family and my cat and my room and I could take a mental break and let my mind rest. . . . one of the guys tonight said to me, "I feel like I'm living high school 24 hours a day." HBR is not as tight as it likes to claim. That's the truth, it's tough to write, but it's true. The sophomores hate the juniors, the juniors think they rule the place, and the seniors are starting to check out . . . and everyone looks at the past with rose colored glasses. HBR rallies around the idea of the building or the dorm or the brotherhood, but the truth is that we are really struggling to be a family and living with all of the normal high school/adolescent questions all day every day is really tough. Tonight we had "gripe night" and allowed the guys to complain about the dorm and tell us where we needed to improve . . . if your feeling kind of down this is a really bad idea! So yeah, that wasn't easy to hear, but later when I stopped feeling sorry for myself and talked with some guys about life my heart really broke. and in the midst of it I realized that guys are feeling lonely in HBR. Why is that? What are we doing wrong as a staff? How can we change it? Is our goal to be a close family/dorm or is it something else? This job stinks . . . it makes you question yourself constantly . . . . luckily that wasn't the end of my day
At 11:30 I had finished putting guys to bed and telling them that I loved them, then I went downstairs to lock up and saw the cake Anna had decorated. . . .
Four years ago today my son came into the world. I used to beg God for a child I now get to live with 24 amazing sons who hurt and love and laugh and whom I care for deeply. God is good . . . and the icing on the cake is that at 12:08 am when I finally made it to our apartment I heard Titus wake up and cry out "Daddy! Daddy!" I went in and settled him down, laid with him and then whispered in his ear, "Happy Birthday Titus! Daddy loves you!"
Life is good!